December 31

Happy New Year!

And so today ends the Instagram project of 2013.

I’ve learned a lot of things this year, including that I’m not photogenic. A good selfie is hard to achieve. It’s easier to photobomb a stranger than it is to take a decent self-portrait. My good photos of anything are a complete and total fluke. Filters will help everything. My children find me embarrassing. I can never flip out my iPhone for a photo fast enough, and will therefore lose the shot of the bald eagle flying over Wayne and Middle Belt. Food porn is the best porn of all. My animals will die. My stomach is fat. My husband looks like shit when  he’s sick. The camera NEVER lies.

During this last year, I’ve managed to devote a whopping five minutes of time each day to the Instagram project. Which is amazing. Five minutes times 365 equals 1,825 minutes, divided into 60 minutes (for an hour), makes a grand total of 30.41 hours toward the project.

Obviously, I could be using this time doing something else. Like writing. So next year I will devote at least five minutes a day for writing. Maybe I’ll finish a book?

I started last year in a favorite chair with a cat.

I am ending the year in the same chair with another cat. Not the same one, obviously.

Time marches on.

Happy New Year.

Goodbye 2013.

Goodbye My Life in Instagram 2013.

It’s time for new projects, new horizons, and right now, a new bottle of champagne.

Stay safe and sweet, and see you in the Interwebs.

Filter: Amaro

PS If you wish to follow my other exploits, tune in HERE.

December 30

I don’t like it when holidays are in the middle of the week.

It doesn’t feel like Monday. Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve and we’ll close early. So it’s like Friday, which would make today Thursday. But then with the holiday on Wednesday, Thursday will feel like Monday and Friday will be Friday but it will feel like Tuesday. Saturday will be a complete loss, because it will feel like Wednesday but will end early because we’re only open until 1. Then comes Sunday, which like this past Sunday, will feel more like Saturday instead of Sunday.

Personally, I can’t wait until this week is over. Things will return to a somewhat normal work week, it will be a new year, and the sun will be out a few more minutes each day.

Is it any wonder I’m totally pooped and disoriented?

Filter: Hudson

December 29

We have so much bubbly…

It’s a celebration nearly every day.

Filter: Hefe

December 28

I opened up a late Christmas present from my sister today.

Very, very heavy reading in my near future.

Filter: Sutro

December 27

The Very Bad Purrby has been taking most of my time (yelling at him to get off the counter tops, picking up scraps of toilet paper all over the house, preventing him from climbing up my fig tree, throwing away the croissants he chewed through, you get my drift), but there is another pet in the house.

I give Gracie Boo two seconds and she awards me with non-stop doggie kisses.

Filter: Rise

December 26

Boxing Day.

The only thing I want to box is Mother Nature. It’s snowing up a storm.

Yo. Walking in a friggin’ winter wonderland, bitches.

Filter: Inkwell

December 25

We are still alive. But it doesn’t feel like Christmas. This is about as Christmas-y as I’m going to get:

Twinkle lights on the cactus.

Merry Christmas.

Filter: Brannan

December 24

My husband decided to make this Christmas memorable by getting a blood clot in his lung.

Obviously, this wasn’t done on purpose.

So yeah, he could have died, but he didn’t. We spent Christmas Eve day in the hospital. It’s now six o’clock and he’s been released, so we will spend Christmas Eve night thanking our lucky stars that things turned out the way they did.

Beaumont is a pretty nice hospital. If you’re going to be close to death, you might as well be here.

Just saying.

Filter: Valencia

December 23

Thought I’d run around Central Park today.

I love my NordicTrack. It makes workout fun!

Filter: Rise

December 22

My friend and employee, Chelcie Lou, has been commissioned to take a photo of me decent enough for a book cover.

She’s having a problem, though. I’m incredibly unphotogenic. In fact, I’ve always been unphotogenic, but lately, the degree of ugliness has transcended normal levels.

First of all, I’m a little chubby, meaning overweight. I can see it in my face as well as on my gut. Second, my face is and always has been very angular. Angles work well for men, making them rugged and appealing, but it’s a death knell for women. Third, I can’t smile. I never have been able to, probably at first because my teeth were crooked, but even after painful adult orthodontia, I still can’t do it. I have a niece who is gainfully employed as a model. She obviously has none of my non-modeling genes.

So while the colors are good, just about every photo Chelcie Lou has taken has a major flaw. These are not the flaws of the photographer, but of the subject. I’m definitely not blaming her.

I usually turn to my left side. It’s instinctual. I’m not sure why I do it.

Today I selfied myself from the right.

I have no good side.

Filter: Walden